Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Houston, we have a blender
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
