I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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