The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i permit you to call me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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