I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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