She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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