my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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