took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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