it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
