conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
