Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
