so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
