he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
