i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
