I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
