I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
