This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
