Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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