exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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