sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
