i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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