Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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