I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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