Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
