I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
