Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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