I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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