Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
