Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
