Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
