have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
