I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
