ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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