I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
