Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
