I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
