she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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