so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
