I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
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John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i now understand why vodka
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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