I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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