you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
