Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
