Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
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I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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