conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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