Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
