yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
