i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
