I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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