At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
