So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
