can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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