wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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