We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
