So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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