I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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