The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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