New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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