Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize