Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
