Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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