I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
