I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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